Dealing with a breakup

We’ve all done bad things, but that doesn’t make us all bad people, or does it? Perhaps you tried your best, you acted out of fear or you did what you truly believed would be best for the relationship and you ended up hurting your partner: are they now a “bad” person? Has she become a bad person simply because she realized that you deserve a lot more than she could ever offer, and so decided to end the relationship because she did not want to be selfish? Irrespective of the reason, breakups usually end in one or both people feeling so much hurt, and this can be very tough to deal with. So how does one deal with a breakup, and get over their ex so that they can move on with their lives?

Dealing with a breakup

First let us set the scene. It all starts with a conversation, without or without the intention of
“something” happening, but with time a genuine interest starts to develop and it seems like you two really have something going on. Next thing you know, it’s been 2 years since your first kiss and you’re both joking about what you thought of each other long before the relationship ever started. A little while down the road, you come to a sudden realization: the relationship is over!

Maybe you cheated and realized that he or she would never forgive you; or you find out that his or her parents will never give you peace; or his or her career takes a sudden and unexpected turn; or he or she finds out something terrible from your past that they cannot accept culturally or otherwise. Whatever the reason is, one or both of you now realize that the 5 year relationship may no longer have a future: what do you do?

While people breakup for many different reasons, the reasons are often negative reasons. However, the best breakups to me are those based on a mutual understanding. Take for instance, two university students who met and dated in their final year and now have to return home on opposite sides of the country. They talk about taking the relationship further but they both realize that it will not work because of a few major reasons. They hug, they kiss one last time, say their goodbyes and remain friends afterwards.

Alternately, what if he wants to go on and give the long-distance relationship a try, but she is not convinced that it would work? What if she does not want him to change his already planned future based on her uncertainties? Nevertheless, she says her goodbye thinking that he understands, but he remains mad at her for not creating a place for him in her life! Does this now make her a bad person? But the hurt is so real that it becomes difficult to see her in any other way. That becomes the beginning of the breakup ordeal as you can only see things through hurting eyes.

The future that you had always imagined with this person (who is no longer a part of your life) becomes very difficult to imagine. You’ve always imagined that in 7 years time you would wake up in the morning, turn to your side and see her beautiful face as she lays next to you asleep. You lean in to kiss her good morning when your 4 year old daughter (who has her mother’s eyes, by the way ) badges into the room as she’s getting late for school. Lucy (your future daughter) is going to be late for school because mommy and daddy spent the previous night re-enacting the all love-making scenes from their all time favorite romantic movie, and were too tired to wake up!

Damaged Memory

Now that person is gone and there is no longer a face to put to these dreams. It feels like a corrupt file in your brain, like a damaged memory, like an erroneous thought, and your mind just crashes because you cannot even process the thought of a future without them. How do you compensate for all this? How do you find yourself again, and pull the pieces of your broken heart back together? The sad part is that breakups are such a negative experience, believe me. But good news is that dealing with it  could be a much easier process than people know how to.

They often say that the best way to get over someone is to get under another person. While I do not exactly support this literally, I do completely agree with the idea; but more on that later. The mistake that a lot of people make is look at things through hurting eyes. The hurt is real and the feeling sucks, but what you need to do is put the hurt aside and try to look at things objectively, or else you risk hating the person you once loved. Just think about it for a moment: ending the relationship is most definitely not the worst thing that they have ever done to you both physically and emotionally. And when you look at things from a logical point of view, you can realize (if you’re honest with yourself) that you cannot really be mad at the person for leaving you. What I’m saying is this: that just because someone’s actions hurt you or because you did not like their decision, it does not mean that they are trying to hurt you! The sooner you realize this, the easier it will be for you to move on.

The concept of getting under another person to get over someone else is simple: you cannot run “away” from a thought, only “towards” one. Think about it: how do you not think about someone without thinking about them? Ask yourself this: when was the last time that you really stopped thinking about someone (or something) by actually trying to “not think” about them? It is not possible, and people often fall into this trap! “I have to stop thinking about her” they say, and then spend the next two hours thinking about her. What then is the solution? Remember… you cannot run away from a though, only towards one. So… you need to find a new focus!

In the past you spent a good amount of time thinking about them and now they are no longer in your life. Now you have all that thinking time but nothing present to spend it on and if you don’t give your mind something else to think about, you will keep thinking about them long after they’re gone (emotional inertia). So I have realized from experience that finding a new focus works 100% of the time!

A New Focus

After my first ever breakup, I spent the next 3 months immediately after on an industrial training in another city. I had no time to think about her as much as before because I was focused on my training. Fast forward 3 years later to when I got heartbroken to find out that the girl I was interested in (I learned Turkish in 2 months because of her) was just a lying b*tch! Soon after, I met a new friend with home I instantly got close to and I was over the old girl in just two weeks or so. These are just a few examples, but the most devastating breakup took me about 3 months to comprehend. However, I did get over her within a month because I found a new focus; a friend who was crazy enough to always hang out with me all the time (thank God for crazy friends)!!

However, you need to want to move on and you need to want to let go. I have seen people struggle with moving on after a breakup because even thought they want to move on, they are really not ready to let go! Moving on starts with your decision to do so because it is not just going to happen without you putting in any efforts. So if you’re going through a breakup right now, here’s what you need to do…

First, you cannot hate her or him for their decision, and that does not make them a bad person. If you’re hurting, you need to forgive them and in some cases, forget about getting any closure. Remember that most devastating breakup of mine? I only got closure after 2 whole years! So imagine if I “needed” closure in order to move on. Then you need to make up your mind to move on, and let go for good. You cannot climb to a new level if you keep standing where you are. Next, accept the fact that they did not leave you because you’re a bad person, because you’re really not a bad person (unless you truly are?). Everyone has their faults, you do and they do too, but unless you have a major fault in your life, the breakup was definitely not your fault. The best way to deal with the breakup is to find something or someone new to focus on… a new friend, a new pet, a new hobby, a new goal or project, a new boyfriend/girlfriend… just find something! This has helped me 100% of the time, and I am sure it will help you too.

Thank you for liking and sharing 🙂

Let me know by commenting below if you can relate, or if you found this useful

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3 thoughts on “Dealing with a breakup

  1. Busola January 6, 2017 / 23:28

    Well thought out and beautifully put together. Excellent job!

    A new focus, no doubt, will help to get over the break up. But I disagree with getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend. There is the tendency to make similar mistake, if proper reflections and evaluation of the previous relationship is not done.

    I have a friend that got her new focus in a new boyfriend. It didn’t take time before she realized the mistake. The old boyfriend was even better.

    Like

    • Kheme January 6, 2017 / 23:48

      Thank you for the comment; I am glad I could offer a new perspective at the subject matter.
      Certainly, a new focus helps, but what we choose to focus on matters more. Although the context of the breakup also matters, you are right that a new boyfriend or girlfriend could lead to disaster (just not 100% of the time sha). Thank you for pointing that out.

      Like

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